So when I say I love this human, I mean that I was at her birth of her last child. She was at mine. I attended her wedding when I had the plague because I didn’t want to miss it. She is seriously one of the realest and funniest women I have in my close circle.

All that to say, when she contacted me with an unconventional (but brilliant!) boudoir theme around food, it was a hard fast YES. (Ok, who am I kidding? I’d take anyone up on food boudoir.) It quickly turned into this Victoria Secret Angel inspired dreamy food goodness.

Her wife adores how she looks when she’s stuffing her face! Ha! Thus, the Pizza+Cupcake+Tacos Boudoir shoot was born!

I participated in a kinky auction a few months back in which I donated a photoshoot to help raise funds for a fellow kinkster in the community.

I’m almost positive this shoot was bought for $5! Ha! They took a risk on a photographer they didn’t know, and we made some serious magic happen today.

Here are some sneak peeks.

Find the KnottyAcroCats on Facebook/Instagram/FetLife for more of their adventures!

 

Trigger Warning: Stillbirth

It was my first one to photograph. (In the past, I have photographed a baby that passed shortly after arriving earth side.) When I see these things, there’s no question in my mind to stop what I’m doing, and go to the mothers side. I literally cannot imagine what they must be going through, and how priceless these photos will be to them.

The whole experience wrecked me. I was in such a dark place after I left the hospital. Continually falling down a dark hole. It was like fire eating up my spirit. I knew I needed an artistic release before it was too late. The very next day, a friend and I collaborated in a shoot that would allow the bulk of darkness to escape me.

I’ve held onto the images for this long without sharing, because I didn’t want to have to ask the parents if I could write about it. I didn’t want to reopen that wound. I’ve decided to keep all the details of the experience to myself, for now. And I’ll share someday perhaps, with their blessing.

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I met Traci when I first got into the scene in 2014. She’s someone I hold in a special place within my spirit. She radiates an unparalleled energy that is just joyous as it is infectious. Both of us being photographers, sometimes we get together for little rendezvous. And these little adventures, never disappoint.

This was the first time I got to shoot her and her lover. It was, magic. Intimate. Playful. Raw. Sexy. Rowdy. I was giggling, drooling, and squee-ing the whole time. The normal field of energy Traci carries, was just lit aflame when she settled into her element with her lover. He was a magnifier. The energy was electrifying! Watching the eb and flow of the power exchange in such a primal fashion was glorious on all fronts. I can’t wait till our next adventure.

Follow @Nodorum and @Tracimatlock on Instagram for more shibari and wild escapades.

Late Nights with Blue

a-use-me

“Late Nights with Blue” will be an ongoing project that will share snapshots of humanity. Sessions will be anywhere from “People You Should Know,” to someone sharing their trauma or personal experience about particular issues.
These sessions will be donation based and are my way of paying forward the revolutionary healing I’ve found from my own (Birth) trauma. I hope that the individuals who decide to share, will find connections and community from their vulnerability.

Because I have so much interest (even before I went public!), there will be a questionnaire to fill out to be put in line for these sessions.
Ideally, I would love to make these a part of my weekly routine, but I will not let the sessions interfere with my own self-care time. So if I need a break, it will happen. This whole project will eb and flow and breathe and grow and just organically go where it needs to go.

So my overall plan, you come over, you share what you are lead to share, and then we either shoot you after, or we put together a plan on how we will shoot you another day, or how I will shoot a model another day that is a manifestation of your story. My intentions are for all material to go on my blog, so because of that, it’s totally fine if you would like to remain anonymous.

Fill out the questionnaire HERE.

*There are no timelines for this project. It’s an ever evolving machine that will come to fruition as I have the time.

Topics include but are not limited to the following:

Abortion
Abuse (Sexual, Physical, Mental, Emotional)
Addiction
Adoption
AIDS/HIV
Al-Anon
BDSM
Body Modification
Body Shaming
Cancer
Death
Debt
Disabilities
Eating Disorders
Elderly
Ex-Convicts
Gangs
Gender Identity
Grief
Homeless
Infertility
Infidelity
Invisible Illness (Crohns, RA, Lupus, etc. )
Mental Illness
Miscarriage
PCOS
Polyamory
Post Partum Depression
PTSD
Racism
Rape
Secularism
Self-Harm
Sexuality
Sex Workers
Shame
Stalking
Stillbirth
Suicide
Survivors
Trauma ((in any form) Birth, Religious, Physical, etc.)
Veterans

Hippie Love

I’ve had a vision growing in my head for over a year now. I wanted to photograph a nude pregnant mama in a lake. Originally I was thinking Hippie Hollow on Lake Travis would be the best bet. But, I found out that one of my favorite hippies lived only a few minutes from my local nudist resort! Thus, this shoot was born.

The end result was better than I planned! It went in an entirely different direction than I was expecting but I love it more than I could imagine. Instead of focusing on the nursing bond between mama and child, I caught so much more of that fiery electric love between mama and papa. The energy between them was just delicious and boastful. Watching them melt together made my heart squee with joy.

 

Thank you, sweet hippie friend and family, for being the vessel in which this dream could escape me.

A Postpartum Celebration Event

FRONT 4th trimester 5x7

The last time I hosted an event like this, I was struggling with infertility. I never knew if I would ever be able to have a child of my own. Yet, I craved capturing the miraculous bodies that do such magic to grow and bring forth and continue to sustain life. I wanted to celebrate women. Mothers. Along side their miracles.

Join me in celebrating motherhood!

I want to extend this invite to any woman who’s womb aches, just as mine did when I struggled with infertility. Bring your fur babies, your favorite house plant, I don’t care! Just come be you and let me love you.

I wanted this gift to reach as many tribe mamas as possible so I’m hosting at minimal cost just to cover studio rental. If this isn’t in the budget right now, please message me about sponsorship.

RSVP HERE

Looking for a rad doula or birth education or classes? Check out REBEL BIRTH! This event is taking place at their colorful studio.

Hope to see you there, mommies.

Love & Light,

Blue

BACK 4th trimester 5x7

A PPD Journey

Being transparent about my own birth trauma and PPD has brought me close to many women in my tribe. What started off as chatting and support, developed into a beautiful concept shoot, and ended in some raw healing, timeless photos, and a deep friendship.

 

I’m infinitely grateful for my dear friend for sharing an intimate look at the darkest time of her life. Postpartum Depression is so taboo and equally under-diagnosed. We moms need resources. Exposure. Community. Sharing our struggles and real stories will aid in bringing attention to the maternal issues that are lacking support, such as PPD and birth trauma.

 

“I will be sharing a story about the darkest days of my life. I wish my story gives hope and comfort to someone who might be struggling in the same way. I believe that mental illness loves to lurk in the shadows. The more it is kept secret and in the dark, the more it grows. I want to bring my story to the light! I want my mental illness to scatter like roaches when the kitchen light is turned on!

My story doesn’t start the week or even the month that my baby was born. My story wasn’t like others I’ve read about. I think that’s why I felt so hopeless.

I gave birth to a beautiful baby boy named Rowan on March 4, 2015. His birth did not follow along the same lines as his three other siblings. He was delivered after 36 hours of labor with contractions no closer than 7 minutes apart. He was born into the water surrounded by so much love and light. We stayed in bed for a week and took it easy for the first month. I ate my placenta, rubbed oils on my feet, and I felt great. I thought I was out of the woods.

We past the fourth trimester when my husband Mike and I put our house on the market. We began looking at houses while keeping our own completely spotless. While looking at houses, I started to feel more and more anxiety. I struggled to walk to the second floor which made my heart race and gave me panic attacks. So I stopped walking up any stairs. The house we were trying to sell was two stories. I refused to go upstairs! I tried so hard to hide this ridiculous phobia that was beginning to emerge. My husband saw right through my crap and eventually had to carry me up the stairs so I could pack up the house. I was almost 29 years old, yet had to be carried like a baby.  The anxiety started to get worse. It was hard to even leave the couch. I couldn’t go outside. If I went anywhere at all, it had to be with Mike.

I finally decided to go to a holistic doctor who my autistic son was also seeing. I changed my diet and became obsessed. All I thought about was what I ate. The doctor gave me supplements. I took them and when I didn’t feel a complete change after a week, I called her to give me something else. When all this was happening, I felt like I was barely treading water with my children. I had no connection with Rowan. He was a fussy baby. He loved to be held but refused to be worn in a carrier. It was a never-ending nightmare. I nursed him,hated every moment, and was counting down the days until we could wean.

After a move from hell, we finally got settled in our new home. I thought that my new home would change everything. It did not. I still struggled to connect with my baby. Why was I struggling so hard? I took more supplements. I obsessed over and controlled my diet even more. It was getting worse. I could not leave my house anymore. Going to the grocery store was overwhelming and would throw me into a full blown anxiety attack. I started to become hyper sensitive to everything. I could hear every noise. I could feel the lights shoot into my eyes like I was looking into the sun. It was exhausting. I would lay in bed and silently cry while my baby slept next to me. He would only sleep with a breast in his mouth and I hated him for it. I thought about running away, but I had too much anxiety and no money to run with. I thought about what would happen if I texted Mike to come home and went into the closet and took my own life. I thought my kids would be better off without me. I thought “I” would be better off without me. Mike would tell me how much he loved me, but I couldn’t believe him. I could not understand how someone could love me and want to be with me. These were the darkest days of my life and I didn’t even know it.

I was in a pit of shit and I felt like I couldn’t crawl out. I couldn’t escape. I couldn’t even see the light. I felt like I was going to be like this forever. I don’t know what changed. I don’t know what clicked. Maybe it was one thing or maybe it was everything. After suicidal thoughts, hating my own baby, and regression in my asthma, it changed. I started reading more which at the time I didn’t realize was self care. I let my heart be open to change. I started saying little mantras to myself. I started telling myself that I loved me. I didn’t. I figured I would fake it till I made it. I decided I was no longer going to be a victim. I cut out meat, dairy and gluten (had been gf for a year already) and added more fruits and veggies into my diet. Even with all my food restrictions, I started to have a different relationship with food. It wouldn’t be my everything. I would eat right because I wanted to nourish myself, but it would be progress and not perfection. I have adjusted my supplements and feel good with them. I am detoxing my liver and nourishing my body with magnesium and vitamin D. I see a chiropractor three times a week. I get cranial sacral done once a week. I get body work/therapy done once a month. Even with all of these things, I still needed to change my heart and my mind. I finally had to start believing that I was worth it. My life has meaning. I have not been put on this earth for no reason. I am enough. Right now… “